It’s my blog and I can do what I want with it. That is the beauty of creating something that is all yours to do with whatever you please. If you have stumbled upon this page somehow solely to look at OOTDs and for some possible style inspiration then keep scrolling down to where the pictures begin. Otherwise you’ll have to succumb to my rambling about whatever the hell it is that has been bothering me lately. *I cuss a lot in the following. You’ve been warned.*
I have been doing an immense amount of thinking this last week about how fuckin crazy life is. Luckily, I have a great support system including friends and family and shit, even a therapist, that have been there enough to where I have no plans on doin anything crazy. Relax y’all.
My taunting question lately has simply been…WHAT AM I DOING? The reason I’ve been asking myself this lately has much to do with feeling stuck. I have a job that I love, but stresses me the hell out. I have a family that goes through its ups and downs, but manages to be there whole-heartedly at the end of the day. My circle of friends, however small it is, has gotten smaller and grown more distant. My health and my parents’ has not been great. I have a few issues from the past that I’m trying to understand, cope with and learn how to get the fuck over. And that relationship status box that use to say “taken” on Facebook has in a whirlwind changed to “single.”
I think that the problem with me figuring out what I truly want in life, is that I have, for a very long time, allowed these things to define me and dictate my life. If I don’t have the perfect career, then what am I doing with my life? If I don’t dedicate enough time to my family, then I must be a bad daughter, sister. If I don’t have a lot of friends, I’m a loaner or “no fun.” And if I feel the least bit insecure about myself then I’m…lol, I’m insecure. I’m in no way saying that I’m alone in feeling this way, or that my problems are bigger than others. I am simply venting, because these are things that have been making me scream inside and the fact that I can put this down on paper (I journaled it first then after much debate with myself decided to share) has helped me feel a little better.
I have tried to understand that fact that people who I have met and shared parts of my life with have had a purpose. So many have taught me valuable lessons that I hope to use in future encounters. Some have brought out the best in me and therefore continue to be a part of my life. For those people I thank God since they have loved me back and continue to see my worth. And for the ones that I have lost, I prayed for you last night. I know that one day I’ll understand why things are better off this way for me, for them, for both of us.
As far as my past, I have learned that hate is destructive and only makes a person all the more bitter. I have made a conscious effort to forgive and move on. I must admit some things will always remain a scar and there are things that I can never get back, but I have to learn to accept that. Here’s where I am trying to honor the life within me and understand that life is a gift and must be respected.
I’m just trying to build a happier life for myself and see where I can do better all the while appreciating my accomplishments however small they may be. I just had my yearly evaluation at work and every bit of feedback I got was perfect, but still that wasn’t enough. So I guess I need to stop stressin so damn much.
I wonder if I have been good enough as a daughter, a sister. My 16-year-old sister Diana is contemplating right now if she wants Berkley, Stanford, San Francisco State or Santa Cruz…so I guess she’s had good influences.
It’s fuckin funny how this post started all angry and confused and now sounds more on the positive side and less “negative Nancy.” Shit, the power of venting…I’m telling you.
So since I’ve put all my business out there, and quite frankly I don’t give a fuck, now I can be held accountable by whoever reads this. I pledge to do more of what makes me happy and build stronger bonds with those who have met me, understood me and loved me regardless.
I had dinner and drinks with a long-lost friend last night and I was reminded to cherish all the good that there is in my life. I was reminded to stop focusing on the things I can no longer change and work on the type of life that I want to create from now on.
So if this resonates with anyone even in the smallest of ways. Shit, I guess we all go through it.